Family Trauma-part 7
I am in a series that is taken from an article in Group magazine called, Coaching Kids Through A Family Trauma.Once again, no quotes as I am copying the article in full. My thoughts however will be in Orange.
6. To Get Away From The Intensity.
Because the family is temporarily, or permanently, narcissistic (meaning, only parent’s needs really matter), teenagers have to “grow up quickly” -they’re expected to handle what would normally be adult responsibilities. Your ministry can offer them the gift of escape from the relentless intensity of their everyday lives. One teenage girl whose father has bipolar disorder writes: “Forever I wanted to take on the burdens of my family…I finally learned I didn’t have to do that. The faster you can figure that out, the better.”
Retreats, praise-and-worship nights, and fun youth group activities can be wonderful ways for trauma-teenagers to escape the stress at home and connect with the Lord and supportive people.
I know from experience that there is nothing like getting away from a difficult home life no matter what it is. I am encouraged that our teens enjoy coming to our programs. It breaks my heart to hear parents ground a student from a youth activity or program, and one day parents who do that will regret it. They will wonder later in life why they have to force their students to attend church and connect with God. I beg you please don’t ever use that as a punishment. I also beg you to encourage/force your kids to get involved. They don’t know what’s best, you do. That is why you are the parent and God has given you that responsibility. Sometimes it is good for a kid to have a chance to be kid, even when they want to grow up so quickly.
I wonder if the reason some of our kids want to grow up so quickly is so they can get away from their home life? I wonder if they want to get away because they want the opportunity to connect with someone and not have to deal with the intensity of a home life?
C3
Huge shout out to Northway Church for hosting the C3 conference with Ed Young. What a great day of leadership principles and not so gentle reminders of why the church exists. I will be posting some “zingers” (stole that from Tina Fey and Saturday Night Live) that Ed talked about later this week.
Family Trauma-part 6
I am in a series that is taken from an article in Group magazine called, Coaching Kids Through A Family Trauma.Once again, no quotes as I am copying the article in full. My thoughts however will be in Orange.
5. To Be Reminded That, No Matter How It Appears, Their Parents Are Trying To Love Them.
Remind your kids who are struggling to find their “new normal” that their parents still love them, even though it might not seem that way in the moment. Parents who are struggling with an overwhelming issue tend to push away the people they love because they don’t want to hurt them, or they can’t see past their own issues. Either way, it hurts-it feels like rejection.
A paratrooper home from Iraq says: “Before I deployed down range I was different about my wife and kids. Now that I’m back I can only let them get so close before I have to get away from them. I used to have fun letting my boys jump and crawl all over me. We would spend hours playing like that. Now I can only take a couple minutes of it before I have to get out. I usually get in my truck and drive back to the base to be with my platoon.”
Obviously, this behavior would be confusing for the soldier’s kids. An explanation would really help. And it’d help to remind kids that their parents are likely trying as hard as they can to hold things together.
Students so many times when they don’t get their way feel that they are being neglected and not being loved. Students feel when a parent or a friend is distant that they have done something wrong to cause this distance. I have also seen the flip side, where parents will feel that they can’t get close to a child because they know they will be leaving soon because of a separation or a divorce and it is just to hard to handle.
In the meantime the distance that the parent has created only adds to the students insecurity. Even when problems exist and as a parent you feel that your kids are not connecting with you, it is still your responsibility as a parent to vocally tell and physically show your kids you love them. Especially during those difficult times it is key. As a parent I struggle with knowing when to show my kids affection when they are being disciplined, but through it all it is crucial for them to know that I love them, regardless of what they have done, I love them for who they are.
Family Trauma-part 5
I am in a series that is taken from an article in Group magazine called, Coaching Kids Through A Family Trauma.Once again, no quotes as I am copying the article in full. My thoughts however will be in Orange.
4. To Be Reassured.
Young people often blame themselves when problems crop up in their families. It’s palpably freeing when they hear a leader they respect tell them that they didn’t do anything wrong! You’ll likely have to repeat this mantra often because guilt and shame hold on like barnacles.
Counseling is a multi-million dollar industry because people hold on to guilt and shame from their past. I know that there are so many students that I currently deal with that have issues because of their past. It’s not that God has not forgiven them because He has, it’s because we have not forgiven ourselves. Teenagers have to be told on a regular basis that it is not their fault. They need to be reassured that things will be okay. They need to feel as if they are safe. Otherwise, they will never open up and share. Especially if they feel that the ones closest to them have broken their trust.
Family Trauma-part 4
I am in a series that is taken from an article in Group magazine called, Coaching Kids Through A Family Trauma.Once again, no quotes as I am copying the article in full. My thoughts however will be in Orange.
3. To Understand Better Exactly What’s Happening.
Kids fear what they don’t understand-they’re desperate to resolve their inner dissonance: Have I done something to bring this on? What happened to my “normal” life? Has God abandoned us? Am I going crazy? It’s important for youth pastors to have at least a cursory knowledge about the impact of trauma and mental illness in families. Read books and go to workshops. Or connect with community resources.
Once you’ve learned more about the impact of trauma on families, you can thread it into your teaching series, confirmation classes, retreats, and even your newsletter. When you drag these struggles into the light, your effectively inciting kids to have honest conversations with you.
I can’t even begin to tell you how many teenagers feel like what is happening at home is their fault. That if they only had _________________ (you fill in the blank) then everything would have been okay. It breaks my heart to see and hear teenagers deal with this because I know how they feel. My dad blamed me for my parents divorce becuase I left to go to college on the east coast. I blamed myself when my parents claimed bankruptcy when I was a senior because if I had only not asked for _________________ (blank). I blamed myself for a lot growing up and to this day still have issues that I deal with. If I knew better what was happening then maybe I would have been able to handle things better. Once again it comes back to communication.
Family Trauma-part 3
I am in a series that is taken from an article in Group magazine called, Coaching Kids Through A Family Trauma.Once again, no quotes as I am copying the article in full. My thoughts however will be in Orange.
2. To Deal With The Problem In The Light, Not Ignore It.
Some families try to “protect” their kids by verbally ignoring the “elephant in the room”-they’re afraid of overburdening their kids. But ignoring the elephant creates even more problems! Parents who try to protect their kids from a trauma often produce teenagers who feel lied-to, even years later. You can help by talking openly about the struggles families are facing today (including your own) instead of unwittingly perpetuating the secrecy and shame that often surround a traumatic intrusion.
Right now the big issues and the fear that students are feeling is, “Will everything be okay financially”? With the uncertainty that our market is facing today, students will worry although not express it, about will they still have a house, car, food and clothes. Part of this is out of selfishness but most of it is out of not wanting to burden parents. Having financial issues? Dave Ramsey has a lot of great financial help for now and for your future. (Fellowship church does not necessarily advocate everything on this website, but I myself found it helpful.)
There are too many issues that just need to be discussed. Most misunderstandings can be avoided with simple communication. It may not be easy to say, but it probably is necessary. Husbands, men, fathers we are the leaders of our homes and it is our responsibility to set the pace when it comes to communication about issues, life, God and our feelings.
Family Trauma-part 2
I am in a series that is taken from an article in Group magazine called, Coaching Kids Through A Family Trauma. I said yesterday that traumas or mental illnesses as the article focuses on go beyond the traditional thoughts that most of us have. Almost everyone of our teenagers are dealing with something in their life right now that they feel is a trauma. Their perception is their reality. We can’t minimize their feelings, but we must embrace those feelings and decide what is the best way to help them work through their issues. Even if those issues are because of the choices we have made. Once again, no quotes as I am copying the article in full. My thoughts however will be in Orange.
What do trauma kids really need? As youth workers we’re uniquely positioned to see, hear, and support these kids in so many important ways. Here are 10 concrete things that these teenagers need, and you can give.
1. To Be Reminded That Support Is Near.
A trauma experience in the family can make kids feel lonely and confused. For example, kids whose parents are in the National Guard and Reserves, and are fighting in Iraq or Afghanistan right now, don’t have a military base or close-knit community to draw on support. These teenagers don’t have a natural peer group that understands how “normal life” has radically changed. All “trauma” kids desperately need to be reminded that they’re not alone.
You can help by offering support groups for kids and their families who are dealing with a trauma. The opportunity to talk to other young people who are dealing with similar situations can be life-saving.
This is why AA as well as church groups like Celebrate Recovery work so well for adults because they need a place to connect with others who are dealing with the same issues as they are. Teenagers are the same way. They need a place where they can connect with other teenagers and feel supported. There are so many teenagers who handle the pain in their life by being destructive to themselves and others because they don’t have a support network.
Teenagers will feel unsupported because of things they can’t even control. A parent’s divorce, constant abuse, financial issues, etc. The key is communication, no matter how awkward it may seem. It means constant communication because chances are they won’t open up the first time or even the second time.
Family Trauma-part 1
Over the next 11 days I will be doing a series based on an article out of Group magazine. They did an article titled, Help for hurting kids, 10 things you can do that’ll make all the difference. The first day will be a set-up to the 10 steps. I will not be putting this in quotes as it is all from Group magazine and not mine. When I interject a comment it will be in Orange. This is a tool written to youth pastors very parent needs to be reading this. We may have an invisible child and not even know it.
A psychiatrist and teacher offer expert advice on how to bring help and hope to the invisible kids in your ministry-the ones who are struggling to find their footing in the midst of a family trauma. You have “invisible kids” in your ministry, guaranteed. That’s because one in five teenagers in your ministry has a family member living with a serious mental illness, and one in eight knows what it’s like to live with someone who has post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). At least five million children in the U.S. live with a parent who has a chronic mental illness, and those families are often so focused on supporting the parent that the kids are…invisible.
The traumatic events that are at the root of PTSD are legion in our culture-from hurricanes to domestic violence to school shootings to terrorist acts. Many thousands of soldiers returning from Iraq and Afghanistan have experienced significant trauma and are struggling to reintegrate into family life. After returning home from the Iraq war, Lt. Col. Mark Smith said: ‘The journey home marks the beginning of an internal war for the Marines. Give them the space they require to slowly turn the switch. The switch from violence to gentle. The switch from tension to relaxation. The switch from suspicion to trust. The switch from anger to peace. The switch from hate to love…’
People who’ve experienced a trauma ore a serous mental illness often describe themselves as not the same person I was before, and they struggle to maintain healthy family connections. Young people often don’t understand why a parents has changed so much, and try everything they can think of to make the situation normal again.
Families are complex systems that have many moving parts-like a car engine. When one person in a family is struggling under the shadow of a trauma, the whole “engine” is affected. Everyday life in these families can be confusing and frightening. Nothings feels the same as it was before the trauma. For many, many teenagers daily life is filled with uncertainty, embarrassment, anger, shame, sadness, and fear. They’re asking themselves: What’s happening to my parent? Why does this happen to me What will my friends think? Will I inherit this problem from my parent? How can I fix this situation?
Researchers have discovered that teenagers growing up with parents are are dealing with emotional problems are at a greater risk of having behavioral or emotional problems themselves. But the interior struggles and anxieties these kids live with remain largely underground. British child and adolescent psychiatrist Dr. Alan Cooklin says: ‘children with a parent with a mental illness often fall through the professional net and are seen as nobody’s responsibility. Nothing is explained to them an they often receive no help at all to deal with the effects of the parent’s illness. These children need to be seen and heard.’ It’s imperative that we see and here these young people!
Most of this article uses as an example, mental illness, however when you look up the definition of mental illnesses it goes beyond just what we would typically think. It covers things like addictions to: drugs (prescription/illegal), alcohol, pornography, etc. Also since I know what the whole article says these 10 steps will totally apply to those students who are dealing with; a loss of a loved one (family or friend), cutting issues, a parent’s divorce, abuse (physical, mental, social, emotional, spiritual). These 10 steps can be applied to almost any teenager in almost any situation. I hope you are willing to hang in for these eleven days as we try to give you tools to work with your teenager.
Lunch Time
It may just be lunch time and I’m hungry!
Talking Points
I wanted to do a recap of my talk on Saturday night with the teens. I hear all the time from parents that they don’t know what to talk about with their teens. So I got this idea to post some of my talking points to allow for communication to begin with you and your teens. Now don’t be surprised when you bring up the topics discussed in United that they don’t just talk for hours about how God transformed their life and how most of them want to become missionaries and preachers. Or how some of them were so moved by the talk that they are fasting and praying for revival in their schools. Or that for some of them it was the most deep and profound wisdom they have ever heard…uh, yeah. Most likely you won’t get a whole lot of them, except to hear that they had fun. Our goal is to challenge students and see them know Christ, grow in Christ and make Christ known to their friends.
I talked on Saturday about leaving a legacy. My message was called I need to change. What is it that they need to change or you need to change in your life so that you leave a legacy that will last? Psalm 90:12 was our key verse, “Teach us to make the most of our time so that we may grow in wisdom.” All of us make foolish decisions at times, but the key is not to let the foolish decisions define our life. OJ Simpson, Michael Vick and others come to mind.
1. There are actions of the wise and actions of the fool.
2. Obedience to God’s ways will produce fruitfulness.
3. Fruitfulness will leave a legacy.
For some students it is simply coming to the realization that we are all capable of leaving a legacy. But not so much for our own name recognition, but to impact somebody’s life that what we did here on Earth outlives us.
What would it look like if thousands of people lived like they were dying, if they loved like they were forgiven, and if they left a positive legacy?
It would look like a church that is redefining church in the Delaware Valley and ELEVATING our lives in the process.
Let this be a starting off point to talk with your students about what God is doing in their life and yours.
